


I will not kiss you

by Furud



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet, Cancer, Cried writing this, M/M, Sad, i have many issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-16
Updated: 2016-11-16
Packaged: 2018-08-31 10:22:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8574622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Furud/pseuds/Furud
Summary: Time passes slower when you want something to happen. And it certainly goes quicker when you dread the future.





	

At first they couldn’t believe it. “There must be a mistake” they said, eyes in the results. A pain in the throat that didn’t go away, maybe pneumonia again, not that. Not something worse.

“I don’t even smoke” said Dan, the most silent cab ride ever, back from taking the second test. Phil only gripped his hand harder, because if it wasn’t they would go on, but he couldn’t think about anything else than proving them wrong.

But the results came positive too, and everything went blurry as the doctor started to talk about starting medication and more tests and this couldn’t be happening.

Time passes slower when you want something to happen. And it certainly goes quicker when you dread the future.

A two bedroom apartment turned into one bedroom and one storage room, and they didn’t even discussed it. There were days when they couldn’t sleep, just next to each other. Looking or trying to look each other in the dark. Some nights they were angry, wondering why, wondering why me, why Dan, from all people in the world. Others, the despair grew stronger and they would only cling to each other.

“Are you going to tell them?” asked Phil one day, as Dan had just finished the live show and was stretching, tired.

He didn’t answered out loud, only shaking his head and Phil didn’t pressed the issue further. If he told them it would make it real. If he told them the whole thing would change.

People treat you different when they know you are going to die. They try not to make you angry, they treat you carefully. Like upsetting you would somehow make the shitty cells inside you do their fucked up job quicker. They don’t laugh anymore, like happiness would upset you.

He told his family, sure. After a few months. It had been quite a shock too. No parent expects that. No one expects that. “It’s like the Spanish inquisition” Dan told Phil one day, and he didn’t laugh about it. It was a good joke.

After the disbelief, the anger, and the shook passed there were only fleeting moments of sadness. Curled in a couch together they would sometimes get distracted. In a few months, just one of them was going to be in that couch. Alone.

“Do you want to go somewhere, before…?” they both know what before meant. Before he would grow tired and weak. Before he would need to live inside a hospital, he thought bitterly. He thought about the question, go somewhere? “I’ve been to enough places. I just want to be home” he reached to hold Phil’s hand, who squeezed his hand back.

“I’m glad we made that book” he said another day, more weeks in between, time fast (too fast). Phil looked at him and smiled, the first one in many days. He felt kind of guilty for making him sad. “I’m glad we made it. You can always look at it and remember me” Phil’s was smiling, but his eyes had started to look brighter and suddenly he was hugging him. Dan felt thinner already

“As if I could forget you”

“That is so cheesy” he said but he was clinging to him too.

There were also days where he didn’t want to see him. Where he didn’t want to see anyone and just be swallowed by the darkness and the ugly thoughts of his body being ate by worms. Phil let him, but never for long. He would barge in and drag him to the couch, to the sun in the office and talk nonsense, talk about his new video or the weird person he had encounter in today’s trip out to get the meds.

Dan’s world had always get illuminated with him, he would start to think half listening. Maybe if he hadn’t met Phil and moved to London he wouldn’t had get sick. But he didn’t know that, and from all the parallel universes he would choose the one where he had meet Phil.  Cancer or not.

“Are you going to keep making videos?” he asked Phil one day, as they were expecting their Indian takeout. It had been a good day, and his hair had started to fall already. His friend looked at him “I don’t know” he answered “It would be weird”

He closed his eyes, thinking about their roles reversed. Talking to the camera, when he knew Phil wasn’t going to do that again. Telling silly stories, giving advice, being relatable. If he was certain of something it was that Phil meant to him so much as he meant to Phil. And he didn’t knew if he would be able to be happy ever again without him

Sometimes he hoped Phil loved him less than he loved him.

But it was only a half assed wish, and when he felt the quiet affection in everything Phil did for him he couldn't fool himself. How he would bring him meals, and later how would he sneak him sweets to the hospital. Everyone knew by now. He hated visits. It was so awkward, being in a gown in a hospital bed looking like shit and have people come in and making him talk, draining him for the whole day.

“Phil?”

Phil raised his eyes from the ipad. His eyes looked tired and his hair looked entirely brown, forgetting about dyieing it again.

“I wish I could have more time to be with you”

Phil looked at him “Yeah. Yeah”

All said and done, a lifetime with Phil had been the best thing to happen to him.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Don't hate me. If the phandom is always killing Phil in fics this time i killed Dan.


End file.
